Life Wandering

 I really should not be left to wander in an uncomfortable place for hours. All it produces is multiple pages of multi-branched, seemingly unrelated notes. A spiderweb of my thoughts. The only common thread being the author at its central joint. As I walk a giant mall in an unfamiliar city, two of my least favorite things, it helps me clearly focus on a jumble of Loves that feel so far from this echo chamber of material and structural mass. At thirty-five, I feel comfortably lost on this journey to create my own life. For being lost means I am not ignorantly on the wrong path and thinking it right. I am mindfully in search of the path I know I have not yet found. That's farther than I can say I was a year ago.
A year ago, I started this blog, dreaming, and knowing I would jump from the path I seemed to be solidly walking. Today I scramble side roads and cliffs of life, aimless wandering to some, yet pointedly searching to me. My job does not define me, my home does not define me, and no, not even does my motherhood define me. Life defines itself as I walk, and defining anything else becomes far less significant the further I grow.
I started this post weeks ago and I'm picking it up on Christmas Eve. A holiday that makes me uncomfortable at best, confused and wanting solitude at worst. You see, I did not grow up celebrating this holiday- and while I respect the traditions and love everyone has for it, and participate to some degree- especially with anything I can decorate or create, I mostly prefer to keep to myself. My celebration of life and loved ones is each day I see them, my frustration and annoyance with them is also an any-day event- not stored up for one expectation-whipped day that leaves more in tears than in the arms of love. But I digress. I always take Christmas Eve and Christmas as a solitary time walk

the woods and reflect on my year. This year, 2017- for the world was so many different things. To some the best, to others, the worst- and to still others- their last.
For me, this year was one of  transformation and love. I am in such a different place in every aspect of my life other than home- that's still here on the farm- and goodness am I thankful for that. It is a place of refuge, of comfort, of love. It is a place I can grow my seeds, bake to my heart's content, or spend hours by the fire with one of my dearest friends. The farm makes me more of a homebody with every day that passes. When everything you need is home, why leave?
Well, for work I suppose. There has been the biggest change. Leaving the Army Corps. Starting my gardening service. Sidestepping for the coffee shop, starting a part time job at Lowe's that I told myself would be a brief bridge to get me to a job I really wanted- and finding out the bridge was more the road.
My main focus going forward is to build my business. I have tried several times to downplay it's significance- that it will just be a side thing until I found what I really was meant to do- but people who see my strengths better than I can won't let me do that. They see the potential better than I do, and in the last month, Bonnie's Barefoot Gardening Service has been offered the opportunity to work on a historical landscape restoration for one of the area's historic treasures- Frank Lloyd Wright's Graycliff Estate. I have been asked to help plant and maintain the gardens, orchards and trees in keeping with the original design of the property. This is a huge honor for me, and one I know was spurred by a friendship that grew just this year. Her inspiration helped take my ten year business dream to reality, working in her garden gives me the greatest joy, and having her as a friend, mentor, and fierce lady I aspire to be like is one of this year's greatest treasures. Thank you, dear Sally, for your role in this year's growth and love.
I cannot tell you the total wealth of people I have added to My Loves this year, but I can tell you the returns are ever-abundant and beyond enriching. I cannot tell you what colors my wings will be after all the transformations from this year and beyond. What I can tell you is that this year, for all the by-roads and seeming side journeys, was the straightest path to life I have ever taken, and will continue to take, and I am ever-grateful for those of you that walk beside me on life's way-

In Commune

As I sit in a hotel room after a conference I just attended, I can't help but feel a bit deflated at its conclusion. Now we can call to reference the oft-spoke phrase that the best way to avoid disappointment is to come with no expectations, and I do often try to apply this thought process to my life situations, but this time- I just needed expectations. It was a conference for Veteran Farners, and a New York chapter of the organization was coming into being at the conference. Most of the room was made up of previously networked farmers and service providers. I was in the minority- a Veteran who dreams of being a farmer. I stood up during a discussion forum and told them this- that here- who they sought- was in their midst and the struggles I have in bridging the gap from desiring to being. I earned applause for my eloquence, handshakes for my bravery in speaking up, yet no real guidance for my dream. Ironically, the main topic of the forum was communication and how to grow their organization, get farmers the labor they desperately needed in the form of hard working Veterans left without a purpose at the end of their military careers, and why there was a gap in their way of communicating and the majority of Veterans' reception of this information.

Communication is only vulnerability when you feel you have something to lose by sharing your story. I have often been told I am too open with my life, that I should keep information private, or at the very least- share less. This thought process is backwards to me. Here's why: I start on the premise that every person is inherently selfish- they listen only for what they can glean or what part connects to their life- the rest is soon forgotten. What they do with my story is then in their hands. If I become a lesson for them to make better choices, then may their way be  easier than mine. If I become an example for them to follow, then may they too reap the benefits my path offers. If but a story to ridicule or laugh- it truly affects me none- but the teller, well, for a laugh and a moment of drama- if that's what they seek, our paths will naturally take different heights in due time. 

But back to the conference: the biggest obstacle in getting Veterans into farming, it seems- is the start up capital and land, and the partnership with a farmer mentor to begin their journey. As a single woman alone even if I were approved to buy the ideal parcel with adequate living quarters, without a knowledgeable mentor and/or partner(s) to share in the labor, the undertaking is daunting at best. Yet there are others like me- passionate, hard working, with a dream- yet alone. I have long toyed with the idea of forming a community of Veterans to farm together- a farming commune if you will- similar to the kibbutz. I grew up in a commune of sorts so the concept makes sense to me: share the dream, share the labors, share the life. When I worked for a federal agency, I found a good percentage of them were part time farmers that could not make the leap from their main job into the farm due to cost of living, debts, and other obligations. I talked to them about beginning a labor co-op of sorts- we would all help farmer X with his spring needs, then farmer Y, whose needs were in summer would have labor assistance in his time of need, and so on and so forth, with possible bartering of goods that we produced with each other. One of the issues was distance- we all lived in different parts of three counties. In any case, that idea fell to the wayside when I left and lost touch with most of them. But I'm still brainstorming the idea of the farm commune. Especially one for Veterans run by Veterans. I'm sure it's not a revolutionary idea and it might already exist in some fashion somewhere, but I'm just designing this as I go. This is an odd post to say the least, but I needed to gather and present these thoughts, if only for myself, to reflect on at a later date. I know one of my strengths is to bring people together; it's something I've done no matter where I've gone in life. So I see the possibility of closing that gap that this and other organizations find- the pooling of Human Resources- a possible calling for Yours Truly. For to commune with those that truly seek community is my greatest love. 

Life Turns

Here we are, at Thanksgiving week, and I give thanks today for life's twists and turns. Just last month I cranked out a passionate determination to be in a specific place in thirty days. It was bold, ambitious, and attention-catching; yet it was not to be. I don't write these words with any regret or sadness, just a realistic gratefulness that I recognized that path was not for me. The circumstances are hardly worth recounting here, but the over-arching theme of the change was a series of tugs and instincts that I at first ignored, and then could not deny: this was not the life making I was seeking.

Now I say life making for the term making a living in today's culture equates it with money and career. I seek to make a life. When I told those closest to me that I would no longer be pursuing the coffee shop business, a few urged me not to give up on my dream- it could work in another building, or at another time, they said. What they failed to understand is that the business itself was not the dream, but the intent of bringing local community together was and still is the essence of my dream. Bringing people together in an act of service has always been my dream, and it runs like a thread through the various positions I've filled in life. That is still very much alive.

I never refer to myself as a dreamer, but I have always loved and been loved by dreamers. They are so much more creative and expansive than I could ever hope to be. I have a recurring dream which I try to house in different boxes and configurations. At the heart are growing and producing with my own hands, and the purpose is to sustain myself and build community. It's a loose dream when penned like that, yet I know the configuration will be something quite specific, and will have plants and baking at it's center. The Gardening Service is an important piece of this. I had put aside thoughts of a farm homestead due to the common notion that farming is capital intensive, as well as labor intensive. The latter I do not mind, however I must acknowledge that I will carry the weight of this dream alone, and so, a traditional farm is perhaps not the answer. I am however, attending a Veterans Farmer Coalition conference in Syracuse next week and am very excited to discover what other veterans in agriculture are doing, as well as what opportunities might be available for me.

One thing that I will be doing this winter that I had trialed a bit the last two years is my seedling
CSA. I am again only trying it with a few friends and family, but there will be a seed list for clients to look over and choose what they would like to have in their vegetable and herb gardens next spring. I will grow the plants from seed this winter and spring, and deliver their vegetable seedlings at the appropriate planting times, as well as provide layout guidance, as some have requested. This week I am setting up my seed room, and finalizing the list of seed available for 2018.

This past month's pursuits might seem a waste of time to some, or a frivolous dream not well thought out. I accept the latter judgement, while further adding that I needed this side road. It was a learning experience on several levels. I learned my own capacity for a certain lifestyle that had I not tried, I would have always wondered. Also, it is more of a "not at this time" decision. I'll always find a way to express my entrepreneurial spirit, but I recognized with some business pursuits, other loves and life goals would have to be laid aside, and that I was not prepared to set aside my growing goals, time with my son, and accept the certain ties to debt I would have had to make to pursue the shop at this time.

While a younger me would have felt the urge to continue so as not to disappoint others or not to appear uncommitted by changing course so fast, present day me knows that the pleasure of others, while seemingly gratifying, is fleeting at best, and should never be the focus of a dream. Also, those that truly want to see your success will support any decision that you show is for your best interests, and would rather see you second guess yourself and change direction, than to never take pause and consider if the passionate charge you take is truly the long term path you should be walking.

Thirty Days-

Thirty days from now I will be opening a new business. They say if you write it down, you're more apt to remember it, yes? Well, I could hardly forget the opening day of my own shop. A coffee shop, in fact. I've already found the building- or more, the building found me. The dream found me. I've always had a plan to own my own shop- the merchandise selection would fluctuate over the years: flower shop, greenhouse, bakery, gift shop- and now, I'm beginning that dream. It's a lovely little shop with full display windows, one of the oldest on the main strip of the village- right across from a train station. It's a train for tourists and themed rides, such as wine tours, breakfast with Santa, and the like. The village itself is small, but with a quaint center dotted with a few restaurants and other businesses. There's the typical Chinese food place, pizza shop, local pub, and a few small retail businesses. The corners are dotted with churches. The elementary school is one block over, with the police station across the street.
It's a traditional town, that- almost lost in the past kind of feel. Not as small as the one stoplight type of place, but a sleepy, dated feel nonetheless. It all appeals to me, it always has. My shop won't take away from what makes it quaint, but will waken up a bit of the sleepy atmosphere with a fresh shot of caffeinated, mingle-friendly atmosphere. The Gathering Grounds Coffee Shop. A place to mingle and linger over a quality coffee with genuine neighbors. A really good cookie. A counter overlooking Main Street. A newspaper in a fireside chair. Gather over a good mug.
I have no idea who you are, reader; and to be honest, this blog is just a motivation to keep my dreams on track. My posts go anywhere from 5 to 55 readers- yet I know not a one of you- you never comment, and friends never mention my posts. That's fine by me, as this is just an exercise in personal growth, but I am curious what you think of this new leap. Maybe you think nothing at all; a valid stance on another person's dreams. For truly, no one's opinion affects this decision. Come down on Veteran's Day and enjoy a cup of coffee at my Gathering Grounds- if you're a veteran, enjoy a free cup on me, your sister in arms, and see more than these words- see my dreams bloom. 285 Main Street, Arcade, NY 14009

Life's Daily Wealth

Another month has come and gone, and I return from a trip visiting family to see my gardens browning in the increasing cold. While I am a lover of autumn, a deep melancholy has always set in at this time of year as I watch my plants die back with the changing seasons. This year, it means more than my all-consuming hobby being affected. My gardening jobs will lessen with the weather, and I will have to focus on another area for the cold months.  Change I cannot stop fuels changes I alone must make with the business. I'll essentially have to straddle two professions for a time period. I may even take a part time job to bridge the season gap. As a first year business owner, this transition is daunting, if only for the fact that it is a change I devise and carry out completely on my own.

I am a woman of routine. I like a steady, mostly predictable lifestyle. Owning my own business, especially one where my office is whatever garden I am working in, is anything but a predictable routine. Some days I have six clients that all want immediate design feedback while I'm physically exerting myself on an install. Other days, my one job is cut short by torrential rain. But sufficient for the day is the work therein. I am learning to be content day by day, and moment by moment. This is where I capture my routine; by letting every day be a day focused on living for that day, and every moment that's given to me.

I read a poignant quote last night, that's too long to repeat here, but in essence the writer was penning his disdain for humans' obsession with the term work, and the need to be more and better, as if success were a continual stockpile. If only we took our cue from animals, it continued, and just lived each day to gather the things of immediate need, and leave all else to the next day's needs. Looking through the lens of today's society, this lifestyle would seem impossible at worst, reckless at best. No retirement? What about savings for that unexpected hospital visit? But to me, it is the picture of a life of contentment. I don't want to get into philosophy or deep thinking of materialistic versus whatever the hell the opposite of that would be, but I must say the mainstream race to security against what might be, at the expense of enjoying today's beauty, seems a miserable existence.

I refuse to live driven by bank backed pieces of paper that exchange hands so often, they can hardly be called my wealth. The only hard rule I have with money is owe no man. Is my way of life risky? Is it any less than the business man who puts his faith in a corporation that today rules the market and tomorrow is crushed, dragging his years of pension with them? Is risk really a tool sufficient to weigh how we live our life? If we did, I'd hardly think driving a car or walking across the street would be worth it. Risk is inherent to living, so I refuse to use it as my measuring tool to traverse this one life we are given.

The phrase "failure is not an option" is an overly simplistic view- failure is an option every day, and an acceptable end to that day, if a better way is what I am meant to take tomorrow. If I fail, it is but today's failure, that will be left at the evening's feet and discarded at morning light for a new inspiration. Wealth is an empty concept we have dressed up in fine robes to call our master, when, in reality, it gives us nothing but shackles. I am the richest woman alive- I am rich with love, with growth, with moments of life in which I can bring joy to others. This is true wealth. It feeds my soul with the security that I am alive today, and sufficient for TODAY is the life I live.

An August to Remember!

August has been a busy month, both personally and professionally. Bonnie's Barefoot Gardening Service, LLC officially opened for business the last week of July, and I have been busy scheduling design consults, setting up maintenance schedules, and organizing the structure of my business, which seems to have taken on a life of its own.

My vision for this business is to provide knowledgeable and meticulous horticultural services to clients who are passionate about gardening. Some of my clients work with me, sharing their vision as we tend their gardens together. Some clients passion hasn't quite reached their fingertips, and they prefer to watch or come home to a well cared for and loved landscape. The one aspect that ties all my clients together is a love for growth. Whether participating, watching, or doing it all on their own with just my coaching, my clients have passion for their plants, and a desire to know and love their gardens.

There's a lot to do as a business owner, all of it new territory for me, but interestingly enough, none of it overwhelming. This business is a creature of my own design, and learning to encourage one aspect of growth while slowing down another is a fascinating process that I am fully enjoying.

August was also full of personal growth and travel. Mid-month, I participated in an Outward Bound

course for veterans; the course was sea kayaking in the Outer Banks of North Carolina for five days. I was privileged to meet fellow veterans from all different walks of life, time of service and military branch. Of course, I was the token Coastie on the team, and for some of my team mates, the first Coastie they'd ever met. I hope I did my branch proud.

Next, it was off to Texas with my son to see a dear friend and her family for my and my son's birthday. Texas, you surprised me and are now in the running for future places to live. As I write this, I am mentally going over my packing list for one last trip for the year. I am heading to Las Vegas for five days- a late birthday present to myself- to stay with a friend. While there we have a marvelously packed itinerary including Bryce Canyon, the Northern Rim of the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam, and of course, all things Las Vegas.

This summer has been a wonderful time of change and growth, a trend I plan on continuing for life. I cannot adequately express the joy I have in my heart as I take these steps in life- and I am thankful for all the love and support I have received along the way. To continued growth!

Slow and Small: Sweet Success

Life is big right now. My calendar is filling up with consults and site visits, but as I jot each entry in three different calendars to combat my forgetfulness, I am filled with a large feeling of smallness. I spent this past weekend walking the glorious Buffalo Garden Walk, connecting with future clients, and rubbing elbows with industry professionals who praised my bold move to pursue my dream career in horticulture. It was a euphoric few days, but now as I sit alone at my desk checking and double checking my calendar and email for anything I may have forgotten, I feel suddenly so small for this journey. Don't worry, by the end of this post I pledge to have worked myself out of this funk- but for now, I need to explore it.

I had no clients booked for today, something my aching post-Garden Walk feet reveled in, but I felt anxious that I should be doing something- anything- and that to waste today was the beginning of the end of my business. Logically, that's ridiculous, as I have two design/install jobs to write proposals for this week, two weekly maintenance jobs scheduled, and two site visits, along with some odd jobs for existing clients. I needed today as a home base day. There's still domestic chores, my home gardens, and most importantly myself  to which I must tend. Sitting at my counter eating lunch and writing a blog is not detrimental to the business; on the contrary, it's monumental to my business's success to take care of me.

These beginning times of running my business I am starting to recognize my need to set a pace, and remind myself that my biggest asset is a well-balanced, healthy Bonnie to run the business. Yes, I'm proverbially sitting on my own therapeutic couch and telling myself to breathe- and convincing myself that down time does not spell doom. I have this mental picture of self-employed people, always pressed for time, always on the go- and up until now mistook this whirlwind of busy to be in equal proportion to their success. I know from the outset that if that is the key to my success, I may as well leave the door to entrepreneurship tightly bolted shut. This business is more than a job that I must make money from, it is the gateway to a lifestyle that I am designing to sustain me as my best self from here until the end.

Quality of life is now intertwined with my business- because my business is life! To rush myself into activity is to contradict the very reason for leaving the rat race to walk barefoot among the gardens- to enjoy every moment of life- and to make even the act of "working" the fabric of life that defines me. Otherwise, I may as well go back to the grey cubicle and the dictates of a supervisor for a living.

August is almost exclusively a month of me- I am going on a sea kayaking trip with the Outward Bound Veterans program in the Outer Banks for six days, then at the end of the month I am headed to Texas with my son to see our dear friends for his birthday, and then it's off to Las Vegas to celebrate my half way to 70 birthday (doesn't everybody celebrate this milestone?) by visiting the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and Bryce Canyon. OK, and the Strip- secondary to National Parks in my book.

Point being- as a business woman- my methods only have to work and make sense to one person, and satisfy one person's goals- The Bonnie of Bonnie's Barefoot Gardening Service. The rest is all incidental. My goal is not to work for a living but to live for a living. At times, without the tight confines of traditional punch clocks and dollar goals, I may feel small in this vast opportunity that is now my way of life. Of course I am small in comparison! I have the world of gardens at my bare feet, and a lifetime in which to tend them.