I have to, I want to; I should, I could.

 We’ve just passed the two year mark of living on the farm in Jasper. While social media has a lot of downsides and is a horrible time suck that I think about deleting at least as often as I check it, I truly appreciate the memories feature. Looking back at that post and taking a few moments to compile our progress photos really helped put into perspective all we’ve accomplished in two years. Lately I’ve been struggling with all the projects that remain either unfinished or an abstract sentence on my to do list. I don’t have the energy, time, or physical ability for most of them by myself, and by myself is where I find myself most days. 

Now, I’m not complaining about the “by myself” part, because in truth, I’m a loner that has adapted to enjoying people’s company. And I have a plus one, 24/7 these days. My eight month old daughter Millie has just mastered crawling, so she’s either strapped to me or within sight and grabbing distance at all times. That girl has so much curious energy; everything goes in her mouth, and I do mean everything.

 A few weeks ago I heard a crunching sound behind me and turned to see a spotted wing hanging from her grinning lips. As I dove to dislodge what I realized was a dragonfly her grin widened and she dramatically gulped, my finger only managing to grasp the one wing. I shuddered, and then I laughed. A few days ago we were at a friend’s house and watched Millie go after a pill bug (a rolly-polly if you will), snatch it up as it made it’s defensive armadillo pose and pop that poor sucker in her mouth. I dare say we were cheering her on in that endeavor. 

What? Is eating one of God’s creations any more gross than sucking on a plastic toy made in China? I’d argue it’s not. 

In any event, my daughter is a feisty explorer that I’m determined to keep wild and curious while minimizing her insect, rock, and cat food consumption. And yes, this piece is being written as she sleeps on my chest. I almost put her down to begin hacking away at the always growing “I have to…” list, but she was tucked so comfortably into my shoulder that I just couldn’t bear to move her. I want to enjoy these times. And I need to remember to be grateful that I can. 

So back to the so-called lack of accomplishments. I don’t like talking to most people about it because I’ll get a well-meaning yet cliché and over-used “cherish these times, they go fast” lecture or something similar. Yes, I know this Karen, but I’d still like to be able to weed my garden or work on my rock wall today. Add to that I live off-grid with animals so every day has “have-to’s” just to have power and running water. 

My over-ambitious cutting garden is so packed because I smartly did not widen the garden footprint but stupidly packed in the amount of plants to cover the unrealistic expansion. There’s no cutting garden stand or even a way to really sell them this year. I desperately want people to enjoy them, but I’m learning my lesson not to spend all my energy throwing my best at people who can’t make time for me. And yet, I have bouquets to make. I often wonder who reads these posts, other than my few vocal friends that comment. So, I’ll make you a deal, Reader. 

Oh, let me pause a moment and inform you that if you’ve noticed my voice change it’s because two-weeks-later Me has hijacked this unfinished post during another Millie lap nap. The deal is, if you’re local, come visit me (with a heads up you’re heading over) and I’ll make you a bouquet. They will be heavy on edibles and fragrant herbs you can cook and make teas with, and I’ll write you a little notecard to explain the bouquet’s contents. 

If you’re a far away friend, the same invitation is of course open to you, but I realize distance is a challenge. So- if you can’t travel, I’ll make you a virtual bouquet, and leave it on some random local person’s doorstep.

I don’t lack for things to do, as previously discussed, but making bouquets is a want. I would like to add that I have a partner that pretty much has super low expectations of me and always encourages me to just enjoy life while he himself works non-stop to keep money flowing in to support the farm operations AND do all the day-to-day farming operations himself. I know part of my anxious thinking that I don’t do enough is because I really can’t lighten his load at this point.

So in summary, I’m making one list, based on the title of this post, and I think it’s one I can look forward to accomplishing today, with a little help from a friend. 

Today: I have to… finish the load of bedding that stopped mid-wash because the generator died and we’re out of gas. (Off-grid world problems.) 

I want to… make a bouquet for the first person who reads this post and messages me.

I should… harvest a lot of my herbs to dry them, but I could (and will!) just enjoy every bloom as it grows and stop stressing about unfinished things.