In Commune

As I sit in a hotel room after a conference I just attended, I can't help but feel a bit deflated at its conclusion. Now we can call to reference the oft-spoke phrase that the best way to avoid disappointment is to come with no expectations, and I do often try to apply this thought process to my life situations, but this time- I just needed expectations. It was a conference for Veteran Farners, and a New York chapter of the organization was coming into being at the conference. Most of the room was made up of previously networked farmers and service providers. I was in the minority- a Veteran who dreams of being a farmer. I stood up during a discussion forum and told them this- that here- who they sought- was in their midst and the struggles I have in bridging the gap from desiring to being. I earned applause for my eloquence, handshakes for my bravery in speaking up, yet no real guidance for my dream. Ironically, the main topic of the forum was communication and how to grow their organization, get farmers the labor they desperately needed in the form of hard working Veterans left without a purpose at the end of their military careers, and why there was a gap in their way of communicating and the majority of Veterans' reception of this information.

Communication is only vulnerability when you feel you have something to lose by sharing your story. I have often been told I am too open with my life, that I should keep information private, or at the very least- share less. This thought process is backwards to me. Here's why: I start on the premise that every person is inherently selfish- they listen only for what they can glean or what part connects to their life- the rest is soon forgotten. What they do with my story is then in their hands. If I become a lesson for them to make better choices, then may their way be  easier than mine. If I become an example for them to follow, then may they too reap the benefits my path offers. If but a story to ridicule or laugh- it truly affects me none- but the teller, well, for a laugh and a moment of drama- if that's what they seek, our paths will naturally take different heights in due time. 

But back to the conference: the biggest obstacle in getting Veterans into farming, it seems- is the start up capital and land, and the partnership with a farmer mentor to begin their journey. As a single woman alone even if I were approved to buy the ideal parcel with adequate living quarters, without a knowledgeable mentor and/or partner(s) to share in the labor, the undertaking is daunting at best. Yet there are others like me- passionate, hard working, with a dream- yet alone. I have long toyed with the idea of forming a community of Veterans to farm together- a farming commune if you will- similar to the kibbutz. I grew up in a commune of sorts so the concept makes sense to me: share the dream, share the labors, share the life. When I worked for a federal agency, I found a good percentage of them were part time farmers that could not make the leap from their main job into the farm due to cost of living, debts, and other obligations. I talked to them about beginning a labor co-op of sorts- we would all help farmer X with his spring needs, then farmer Y, whose needs were in summer would have labor assistance in his time of need, and so on and so forth, with possible bartering of goods that we produced with each other. One of the issues was distance- we all lived in different parts of three counties. In any case, that idea fell to the wayside when I left and lost touch with most of them. But I'm still brainstorming the idea of the farm commune. Especially one for Veterans run by Veterans. I'm sure it's not a revolutionary idea and it might already exist in some fashion somewhere, but I'm just designing this as I go. This is an odd post to say the least, but I needed to gather and present these thoughts, if only for myself, to reflect on at a later date. I know one of my strengths is to bring people together; it's something I've done no matter where I've gone in life. So I see the possibility of closing that gap that this and other organizations find- the pooling of Human Resources- a possible calling for Yours Truly. For to commune with those that truly seek community is my greatest love. 

Life Turns

Here we are, at Thanksgiving week, and I give thanks today for life's twists and turns. Just last month I cranked out a passionate determination to be in a specific place in thirty days. It was bold, ambitious, and attention-catching; yet it was not to be. I don't write these words with any regret or sadness, just a realistic gratefulness that I recognized that path was not for me. The circumstances are hardly worth recounting here, but the over-arching theme of the change was a series of tugs and instincts that I at first ignored, and then could not deny: this was not the life making I was seeking.

Now I say life making for the term making a living in today's culture equates it with money and career. I seek to make a life. When I told those closest to me that I would no longer be pursuing the coffee shop business, a few urged me not to give up on my dream- it could work in another building, or at another time, they said. What they failed to understand is that the business itself was not the dream, but the intent of bringing local community together was and still is the essence of my dream. Bringing people together in an act of service has always been my dream, and it runs like a thread through the various positions I've filled in life. That is still very much alive.

I never refer to myself as a dreamer, but I have always loved and been loved by dreamers. They are so much more creative and expansive than I could ever hope to be. I have a recurring dream which I try to house in different boxes and configurations. At the heart are growing and producing with my own hands, and the purpose is to sustain myself and build community. It's a loose dream when penned like that, yet I know the configuration will be something quite specific, and will have plants and baking at it's center. The Gardening Service is an important piece of this. I had put aside thoughts of a farm homestead due to the common notion that farming is capital intensive, as well as labor intensive. The latter I do not mind, however I must acknowledge that I will carry the weight of this dream alone, and so, a traditional farm is perhaps not the answer. I am however, attending a Veterans Farmer Coalition conference in Syracuse next week and am very excited to discover what other veterans in agriculture are doing, as well as what opportunities might be available for me.

One thing that I will be doing this winter that I had trialed a bit the last two years is my seedling
CSA. I am again only trying it with a few friends and family, but there will be a seed list for clients to look over and choose what they would like to have in their vegetable and herb gardens next spring. I will grow the plants from seed this winter and spring, and deliver their vegetable seedlings at the appropriate planting times, as well as provide layout guidance, as some have requested. This week I am setting up my seed room, and finalizing the list of seed available for 2018.

This past month's pursuits might seem a waste of time to some, or a frivolous dream not well thought out. I accept the latter judgement, while further adding that I needed this side road. It was a learning experience on several levels. I learned my own capacity for a certain lifestyle that had I not tried, I would have always wondered. Also, it is more of a "not at this time" decision. I'll always find a way to express my entrepreneurial spirit, but I recognized with some business pursuits, other loves and life goals would have to be laid aside, and that I was not prepared to set aside my growing goals, time with my son, and accept the certain ties to debt I would have had to make to pursue the shop at this time.

While a younger me would have felt the urge to continue so as not to disappoint others or not to appear uncommitted by changing course so fast, present day me knows that the pleasure of others, while seemingly gratifying, is fleeting at best, and should never be the focus of a dream. Also, those that truly want to see your success will support any decision that you show is for your best interests, and would rather see you second guess yourself and change direction, than to never take pause and consider if the passionate charge you take is truly the long term path you should be walking.