Life Wandering

 I really should not be left to wander in an uncomfortable place for hours. All it produces is multiple pages of multi-branched, seemingly unrelated notes. A spiderweb of my thoughts. The only common thread being the author at its central joint. As I walk a giant mall in an unfamiliar city, two of my least favorite things, it helps me clearly focus on a jumble of Loves that feel so far from this echo chamber of material and structural mass. At thirty-five, I feel comfortably lost on this journey to create my own life. For being lost means I am not ignorantly on the wrong path and thinking it right. I am mindfully in search of the path I know I have not yet found. That's farther than I can say I was a year ago.
A year ago, I started this blog, dreaming, and knowing I would jump from the path I seemed to be solidly walking. Today I scramble side roads and cliffs of life, aimless wandering to some, yet pointedly searching to me. My job does not define me, my home does not define me, and no, not even does my motherhood define me. Life defines itself as I walk, and defining anything else becomes far less significant the further I grow.
I started this post weeks ago and I'm picking it up on Christmas Eve. A holiday that makes me uncomfortable at best, confused and wanting solitude at worst. You see, I did not grow up celebrating this holiday- and while I respect the traditions and love everyone has for it, and participate to some degree- especially with anything I can decorate or create, I mostly prefer to keep to myself. My celebration of life and loved ones is each day I see them, my frustration and annoyance with them is also an any-day event- not stored up for one expectation-whipped day that leaves more in tears than in the arms of love. But I digress. I always take Christmas Eve and Christmas as a solitary time walk

the woods and reflect on my year. This year, 2017- for the world was so many different things. To some the best, to others, the worst- and to still others- their last.
For me, this year was one of  transformation and love. I am in such a different place in every aspect of my life other than home- that's still here on the farm- and goodness am I thankful for that. It is a place of refuge, of comfort, of love. It is a place I can grow my seeds, bake to my heart's content, or spend hours by the fire with one of my dearest friends. The farm makes me more of a homebody with every day that passes. When everything you need is home, why leave?
Well, for work I suppose. There has been the biggest change. Leaving the Army Corps. Starting my gardening service. Sidestepping for the coffee shop, starting a part time job at Lowe's that I told myself would be a brief bridge to get me to a job I really wanted- and finding out the bridge was more the road.
My main focus going forward is to build my business. I have tried several times to downplay it's significance- that it will just be a side thing until I found what I really was meant to do- but people who see my strengths better than I can won't let me do that. They see the potential better than I do, and in the last month, Bonnie's Barefoot Gardening Service has been offered the opportunity to work on a historical landscape restoration for one of the area's historic treasures- Frank Lloyd Wright's Graycliff Estate. I have been asked to help plant and maintain the gardens, orchards and trees in keeping with the original design of the property. This is a huge honor for me, and one I know was spurred by a friendship that grew just this year. Her inspiration helped take my ten year business dream to reality, working in her garden gives me the greatest joy, and having her as a friend, mentor, and fierce lady I aspire to be like is one of this year's greatest treasures. Thank you, dear Sally, for your role in this year's growth and love.
I cannot tell you the total wealth of people I have added to My Loves this year, but I can tell you the returns are ever-abundant and beyond enriching. I cannot tell you what colors my wings will be after all the transformations from this year and beyond. What I can tell you is that this year, for all the by-roads and seeming side journeys, was the straightest path to life I have ever taken, and will continue to take, and I am ever-grateful for those of you that walk beside me on life's way-

In Commune

As I sit in a hotel room after a conference I just attended, I can't help but feel a bit deflated at its conclusion. Now we can call to reference the oft-spoke phrase that the best way to avoid disappointment is to come with no expectations, and I do often try to apply this thought process to my life situations, but this time- I just needed expectations. It was a conference for Veteran Farners, and a New York chapter of the organization was coming into being at the conference. Most of the room was made up of previously networked farmers and service providers. I was in the minority- a Veteran who dreams of being a farmer. I stood up during a discussion forum and told them this- that here- who they sought- was in their midst and the struggles I have in bridging the gap from desiring to being. I earned applause for my eloquence, handshakes for my bravery in speaking up, yet no real guidance for my dream. Ironically, the main topic of the forum was communication and how to grow their organization, get farmers the labor they desperately needed in the form of hard working Veterans left without a purpose at the end of their military careers, and why there was a gap in their way of communicating and the majority of Veterans' reception of this information.

Communication is only vulnerability when you feel you have something to lose by sharing your story. I have often been told I am too open with my life, that I should keep information private, or at the very least- share less. This thought process is backwards to me. Here's why: I start on the premise that every person is inherently selfish- they listen only for what they can glean or what part connects to their life- the rest is soon forgotten. What they do with my story is then in their hands. If I become a lesson for them to make better choices, then may their way be  easier than mine. If I become an example for them to follow, then may they too reap the benefits my path offers. If but a story to ridicule or laugh- it truly affects me none- but the teller, well, for a laugh and a moment of drama- if that's what they seek, our paths will naturally take different heights in due time. 

But back to the conference: the biggest obstacle in getting Veterans into farming, it seems- is the start up capital and land, and the partnership with a farmer mentor to begin their journey. As a single woman alone even if I were approved to buy the ideal parcel with adequate living quarters, without a knowledgeable mentor and/or partner(s) to share in the labor, the undertaking is daunting at best. Yet there are others like me- passionate, hard working, with a dream- yet alone. I have long toyed with the idea of forming a community of Veterans to farm together- a farming commune if you will- similar to the kibbutz. I grew up in a commune of sorts so the concept makes sense to me: share the dream, share the labors, share the life. When I worked for a federal agency, I found a good percentage of them were part time farmers that could not make the leap from their main job into the farm due to cost of living, debts, and other obligations. I talked to them about beginning a labor co-op of sorts- we would all help farmer X with his spring needs, then farmer Y, whose needs were in summer would have labor assistance in his time of need, and so on and so forth, with possible bartering of goods that we produced with each other. One of the issues was distance- we all lived in different parts of three counties. In any case, that idea fell to the wayside when I left and lost touch with most of them. But I'm still brainstorming the idea of the farm commune. Especially one for Veterans run by Veterans. I'm sure it's not a revolutionary idea and it might already exist in some fashion somewhere, but I'm just designing this as I go. This is an odd post to say the least, but I needed to gather and present these thoughts, if only for myself, to reflect on at a later date. I know one of my strengths is to bring people together; it's something I've done no matter where I've gone in life. So I see the possibility of closing that gap that this and other organizations find- the pooling of Human Resources- a possible calling for Yours Truly. For to commune with those that truly seek community is my greatest love. 

Life Turns

Here we are, at Thanksgiving week, and I give thanks today for life's twists and turns. Just last month I cranked out a passionate determination to be in a specific place in thirty days. It was bold, ambitious, and attention-catching; yet it was not to be. I don't write these words with any regret or sadness, just a realistic gratefulness that I recognized that path was not for me. The circumstances are hardly worth recounting here, but the over-arching theme of the change was a series of tugs and instincts that I at first ignored, and then could not deny: this was not the life making I was seeking.

Now I say life making for the term making a living in today's culture equates it with money and career. I seek to make a life. When I told those closest to me that I would no longer be pursuing the coffee shop business, a few urged me not to give up on my dream- it could work in another building, or at another time, they said. What they failed to understand is that the business itself was not the dream, but the intent of bringing local community together was and still is the essence of my dream. Bringing people together in an act of service has always been my dream, and it runs like a thread through the various positions I've filled in life. That is still very much alive.

I never refer to myself as a dreamer, but I have always loved and been loved by dreamers. They are so much more creative and expansive than I could ever hope to be. I have a recurring dream which I try to house in different boxes and configurations. At the heart are growing and producing with my own hands, and the purpose is to sustain myself and build community. It's a loose dream when penned like that, yet I know the configuration will be something quite specific, and will have plants and baking at it's center. The Gardening Service is an important piece of this. I had put aside thoughts of a farm homestead due to the common notion that farming is capital intensive, as well as labor intensive. The latter I do not mind, however I must acknowledge that I will carry the weight of this dream alone, and so, a traditional farm is perhaps not the answer. I am however, attending a Veterans Farmer Coalition conference in Syracuse next week and am very excited to discover what other veterans in agriculture are doing, as well as what opportunities might be available for me.

One thing that I will be doing this winter that I had trialed a bit the last two years is my seedling
CSA. I am again only trying it with a few friends and family, but there will be a seed list for clients to look over and choose what they would like to have in their vegetable and herb gardens next spring. I will grow the plants from seed this winter and spring, and deliver their vegetable seedlings at the appropriate planting times, as well as provide layout guidance, as some have requested. This week I am setting up my seed room, and finalizing the list of seed available for 2018.

This past month's pursuits might seem a waste of time to some, or a frivolous dream not well thought out. I accept the latter judgement, while further adding that I needed this side road. It was a learning experience on several levels. I learned my own capacity for a certain lifestyle that had I not tried, I would have always wondered. Also, it is more of a "not at this time" decision. I'll always find a way to express my entrepreneurial spirit, but I recognized with some business pursuits, other loves and life goals would have to be laid aside, and that I was not prepared to set aside my growing goals, time with my son, and accept the certain ties to debt I would have had to make to pursue the shop at this time.

While a younger me would have felt the urge to continue so as not to disappoint others or not to appear uncommitted by changing course so fast, present day me knows that the pleasure of others, while seemingly gratifying, is fleeting at best, and should never be the focus of a dream. Also, those that truly want to see your success will support any decision that you show is for your best interests, and would rather see you second guess yourself and change direction, than to never take pause and consider if the passionate charge you take is truly the long term path you should be walking.

Thirty Days-

Thirty days from now I will be opening a new business. They say if you write it down, you're more apt to remember it, yes? Well, I could hardly forget the opening day of my own shop. A coffee shop, in fact. I've already found the building- or more, the building found me. The dream found me. I've always had a plan to own my own shop- the merchandise selection would fluctuate over the years: flower shop, greenhouse, bakery, gift shop- and now, I'm beginning that dream. It's a lovely little shop with full display windows, one of the oldest on the main strip of the village- right across from a train station. It's a train for tourists and themed rides, such as wine tours, breakfast with Santa, and the like. The village itself is small, but with a quaint center dotted with a few restaurants and other businesses. There's the typical Chinese food place, pizza shop, local pub, and a few small retail businesses. The corners are dotted with churches. The elementary school is one block over, with the police station across the street.
It's a traditional town, that- almost lost in the past kind of feel. Not as small as the one stoplight type of place, but a sleepy, dated feel nonetheless. It all appeals to me, it always has. My shop won't take away from what makes it quaint, but will waken up a bit of the sleepy atmosphere with a fresh shot of caffeinated, mingle-friendly atmosphere. The Gathering Grounds Coffee Shop. A place to mingle and linger over a quality coffee with genuine neighbors. A really good cookie. A counter overlooking Main Street. A newspaper in a fireside chair. Gather over a good mug.
I have no idea who you are, reader; and to be honest, this blog is just a motivation to keep my dreams on track. My posts go anywhere from 5 to 55 readers- yet I know not a one of you- you never comment, and friends never mention my posts. That's fine by me, as this is just an exercise in personal growth, but I am curious what you think of this new leap. Maybe you think nothing at all; a valid stance on another person's dreams. For truly, no one's opinion affects this decision. Come down on Veteran's Day and enjoy a cup of coffee at my Gathering Grounds- if you're a veteran, enjoy a free cup on me, your sister in arms, and see more than these words- see my dreams bloom. 285 Main Street, Arcade, NY 14009

Life's Daily Wealth

Another month has come and gone, and I return from a trip visiting family to see my gardens browning in the increasing cold. While I am a lover of autumn, a deep melancholy has always set in at this time of year as I watch my plants die back with the changing seasons. This year, it means more than my all-consuming hobby being affected. My gardening jobs will lessen with the weather, and I will have to focus on another area for the cold months.  Change I cannot stop fuels changes I alone must make with the business. I'll essentially have to straddle two professions for a time period. I may even take a part time job to bridge the season gap. As a first year business owner, this transition is daunting, if only for the fact that it is a change I devise and carry out completely on my own.

I am a woman of routine. I like a steady, mostly predictable lifestyle. Owning my own business, especially one where my office is whatever garden I am working in, is anything but a predictable routine. Some days I have six clients that all want immediate design feedback while I'm physically exerting myself on an install. Other days, my one job is cut short by torrential rain. But sufficient for the day is the work therein. I am learning to be content day by day, and moment by moment. This is where I capture my routine; by letting every day be a day focused on living for that day, and every moment that's given to me.

I read a poignant quote last night, that's too long to repeat here, but in essence the writer was penning his disdain for humans' obsession with the term work, and the need to be more and better, as if success were a continual stockpile. If only we took our cue from animals, it continued, and just lived each day to gather the things of immediate need, and leave all else to the next day's needs. Looking through the lens of today's society, this lifestyle would seem impossible at worst, reckless at best. No retirement? What about savings for that unexpected hospital visit? But to me, it is the picture of a life of contentment. I don't want to get into philosophy or deep thinking of materialistic versus whatever the hell the opposite of that would be, but I must say the mainstream race to security against what might be, at the expense of enjoying today's beauty, seems a miserable existence.

I refuse to live driven by bank backed pieces of paper that exchange hands so often, they can hardly be called my wealth. The only hard rule I have with money is owe no man. Is my way of life risky? Is it any less than the business man who puts his faith in a corporation that today rules the market and tomorrow is crushed, dragging his years of pension with them? Is risk really a tool sufficient to weigh how we live our life? If we did, I'd hardly think driving a car or walking across the street would be worth it. Risk is inherent to living, so I refuse to use it as my measuring tool to traverse this one life we are given.

The phrase "failure is not an option" is an overly simplistic view- failure is an option every day, and an acceptable end to that day, if a better way is what I am meant to take tomorrow. If I fail, it is but today's failure, that will be left at the evening's feet and discarded at morning light for a new inspiration. Wealth is an empty concept we have dressed up in fine robes to call our master, when, in reality, it gives us nothing but shackles. I am the richest woman alive- I am rich with love, with growth, with moments of life in which I can bring joy to others. This is true wealth. It feeds my soul with the security that I am alive today, and sufficient for TODAY is the life I live.

An August to Remember!

August has been a busy month, both personally and professionally. Bonnie's Barefoot Gardening Service, LLC officially opened for business the last week of July, and I have been busy scheduling design consults, setting up maintenance schedules, and organizing the structure of my business, which seems to have taken on a life of its own.

My vision for this business is to provide knowledgeable and meticulous horticultural services to clients who are passionate about gardening. Some of my clients work with me, sharing their vision as we tend their gardens together. Some clients passion hasn't quite reached their fingertips, and they prefer to watch or come home to a well cared for and loved landscape. The one aspect that ties all my clients together is a love for growth. Whether participating, watching, or doing it all on their own with just my coaching, my clients have passion for their plants, and a desire to know and love their gardens.

There's a lot to do as a business owner, all of it new territory for me, but interestingly enough, none of it overwhelming. This business is a creature of my own design, and learning to encourage one aspect of growth while slowing down another is a fascinating process that I am fully enjoying.

August was also full of personal growth and travel. Mid-month, I participated in an Outward Bound

course for veterans; the course was sea kayaking in the Outer Banks of North Carolina for five days. I was privileged to meet fellow veterans from all different walks of life, time of service and military branch. Of course, I was the token Coastie on the team, and for some of my team mates, the first Coastie they'd ever met. I hope I did my branch proud.

Next, it was off to Texas with my son to see a dear friend and her family for my and my son's birthday. Texas, you surprised me and are now in the running for future places to live. As I write this, I am mentally going over my packing list for one last trip for the year. I am heading to Las Vegas for five days- a late birthday present to myself- to stay with a friend. While there we have a marvelously packed itinerary including Bryce Canyon, the Northern Rim of the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam, and of course, all things Las Vegas.

This summer has been a wonderful time of change and growth, a trend I plan on continuing for life. I cannot adequately express the joy I have in my heart as I take these steps in life- and I am thankful for all the love and support I have received along the way. To continued growth!

Slow and Small: Sweet Success

Life is big right now. My calendar is filling up with consults and site visits, but as I jot each entry in three different calendars to combat my forgetfulness, I am filled with a large feeling of smallness. I spent this past weekend walking the glorious Buffalo Garden Walk, connecting with future clients, and rubbing elbows with industry professionals who praised my bold move to pursue my dream career in horticulture. It was a euphoric few days, but now as I sit alone at my desk checking and double checking my calendar and email for anything I may have forgotten, I feel suddenly so small for this journey. Don't worry, by the end of this post I pledge to have worked myself out of this funk- but for now, I need to explore it.

I had no clients booked for today, something my aching post-Garden Walk feet reveled in, but I felt anxious that I should be doing something- anything- and that to waste today was the beginning of the end of my business. Logically, that's ridiculous, as I have two design/install jobs to write proposals for this week, two weekly maintenance jobs scheduled, and two site visits, along with some odd jobs for existing clients. I needed today as a home base day. There's still domestic chores, my home gardens, and most importantly myself  to which I must tend. Sitting at my counter eating lunch and writing a blog is not detrimental to the business; on the contrary, it's monumental to my business's success to take care of me.

These beginning times of running my business I am starting to recognize my need to set a pace, and remind myself that my biggest asset is a well-balanced, healthy Bonnie to run the business. Yes, I'm proverbially sitting on my own therapeutic couch and telling myself to breathe- and convincing myself that down time does not spell doom. I have this mental picture of self-employed people, always pressed for time, always on the go- and up until now mistook this whirlwind of busy to be in equal proportion to their success. I know from the outset that if that is the key to my success, I may as well leave the door to entrepreneurship tightly bolted shut. This business is more than a job that I must make money from, it is the gateway to a lifestyle that I am designing to sustain me as my best self from here until the end.

Quality of life is now intertwined with my business- because my business is life! To rush myself into activity is to contradict the very reason for leaving the rat race to walk barefoot among the gardens- to enjoy every moment of life- and to make even the act of "working" the fabric of life that defines me. Otherwise, I may as well go back to the grey cubicle and the dictates of a supervisor for a living.

August is almost exclusively a month of me- I am going on a sea kayaking trip with the Outward Bound Veterans program in the Outer Banks for six days, then at the end of the month I am headed to Texas with my son to see our dear friends for his birthday, and then it's off to Las Vegas to celebrate my half way to 70 birthday (doesn't everybody celebrate this milestone?) by visiting the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and Bryce Canyon. OK, and the Strip- secondary to National Parks in my book.

Point being- as a business woman- my methods only have to work and make sense to one person, and satisfy one person's goals- The Bonnie of Bonnie's Barefoot Gardening Service. The rest is all incidental. My goal is not to work for a living but to live for a living. At times, without the tight confines of traditional punch clocks and dollar goals, I may feel small in this vast opportunity that is now my way of life. Of course I am small in comparison! I have the world of gardens at my bare feet, and a lifetime in which to tend them.

Forever Focusing

As a new business owner, it seems there are thousand different aspects of the business on which I should be focusing my time, and still only the same 24 hours that were in the days when I worked set hours and had defined roles and expectations from a boss. Now, I'm the boss. But I'm also the creative designer, the planner, the administrative professional, the laborer, and also still just lil ol' me.

I have long range growth plans for this business that keep crowding in on the simple tasks that should command my immediate attention. For this year, my set concentration is garden maintenance for residential homes. Future plans include a log mushroom farm, seedling CSA, and bakery. I have faith I will incorporate most of those pieces- eventually. When I talk about my plans- all of those endeavors sound way more interesting than pulling weeds (ironically enough- pulling weeds is one of my favorite things to do). However, they are also all more risky and require more knowledge and skill than the gardening aspect of my business. Gardening comes easy to me. There is hardly any overhead. No kitchen inspections and no temperature and humidity concerns to cleaning out beds. Gardening is the backbone of my business plan- and it needs to be my central focus in these coming months. Even design/installs need to take a back seat to the steady maintenance jobs until my feet are solidly wet in all things business operations.

Cranberry Orange Pecan Scones

I'm a passionate, ambitious person, and I have to remind myself that all good things are best in moderation. I had made so many lofty plans for this week- log drilling, designing a website, paperwork organization, along with scheduled maintenance jobs and three baking orders. It's only Monday night and the ambitious plan has my shoulders aching. So the log drilling is getting pushed to next week, and the website is on hold for now. The paperwork was completed today. Berries were prepared for pie baking tomorrow morning. I can breathe a sigh of relief that all my documentation has been filed at both the state and county level for the business. Fungus will grow another day.

I can see that without a routine re-setting of my focus, it could be easy for me to be overwhelmed by this business endeavor. I also need to remind myself that small, steady, strong growth is better than a spontaneous burst of spindly growth that could extend me higher than I have roots for just yet. There will always be a bigger goal to set on the horizon, but for now the dozens of little, simple goals are altogether my monumental, and continual, central focus.

Oh, and readers, if that seemed like the biggest snooze fest entry ever to slog through, I'm just getting back in the swing of writing once a week, and although I dazzle your eyes with pictures on a regular basis on my page, sometimes my life is drab to the point of my biggest highlight being a self-induced "Focus Woman!" pep talk. Reward yourself by staring at the delicious scone for a moment. I'm going to do the same, and then eat one as well.

Service with a Smile

I apologize for the long absence, tomatoes and eggplant are fruiting and I missed three solid months of updates on what's happening with 3BsWithB. If you've been following my story you've read a lot of talk of taking steps, thinking about taking steps, and thinking about thoughts of taking steps into a homestead-based business. 

Two weeks ago I took a giant leap: I left my secure job as a federal Regulatory Biologist and filed for my LLC, as Bonnie's Barefoot Gardening Service. I am now officially living the dream of gardener, baker, and all around farm girl. I had many friends and family supporting this move, knowing that I have desired for years to run my own horticultural-based business. Still others could not believe it.  Why leave a secure, well paying job with a solid retirement package a month before I was due to get a $10,000 raise to venture into the risky land of entrepreneurship? I can't adequately explain it in this one post- but as a co-worker noted a week before I left- the passion for this career move shone from my face- and how could anyone hold that back?

Yesterday I spent eight hours cleaning out shade garden beds, chatting with my client and dear gardener friend about plans and plants, repairing a rock wall, and singing my heart out as I went. Growing up, I was given the advice to find out what I was created to do in this life- to pursue the work for which my hands naturally reached. Discovering this was the biggest step- not just, what makes me happy, or what am I good at, but what work calls to me? Growing plants and baking things have always been my passion- and the handing of those goods and watching anyone smile as a result of my service makes my heart sing.

This is what I have found in my business- the work that makes my heart sing. It's a service that I can provide to others while also feeding myself, literally and spiritually. I often think about where my son will go in this world, what will call to him as a career, and I hope I can adequately show him there's more to choosing your path than finding out what you're good at, or what makes you happy. I was good at my other job. While it did affect my happiness, I did not leave because I was unhappy. I left because I was drawn towards what I was created to do- what came naturally to me, and what makes my heart sing. 

Will there be times of uncertainty? Times of hard work and other times of little work?  Isn't there that anywhere we go? Life is uncertain and ever changing, that's a given. Doubts will arise no matter where we stand. As for me, I will stand through all these times barefoot  in my gardens, providing the services that make both my clients and my heart smile. 

Tomato Talk... Mostly

Can we accurately call today mid-April? Alright, so I'm off by a couple of days, but fairly close. For me that means two things: one, I haven't posted on my blog in over a month, and two, I'm trailing a week behind on my seed starting schedule. Neither are very severe and the latter far more important than the former. March was a tumultuous month. My progress imitated the weather, with a warm sunshiny day spurring bud growth, followed by a solid dumping of snow to hide all signs of spring.

But it's April now, and a lovely 60-something out today. Yesterday I started four varieties of tomato: San Marzano, Tigerella, Purple Cherokee, and Brandywine. My goal with tomatoes this year is to lean more towards canning-friendly varieties, as well as several unique and flavorful heirloom table varieties. Last year I planted ten plants each of only three different varieties, and one was a terrible let down. That was the yellow pear tomato, ironically also the most abundant. It was dull, lacking in both sweetness and acidity. The Chocolate Cherry was the second variety from last year, and it was alright as far as cherry tomatoes go, but I wasn't overly impressed.



Speckled Roman from 2016

My only table tomato from last year was the Glacier, which produced a good yield, tasty enough to eat right off the vine. The Glacier is on the smaller side, so not the best for sandwich slices, but perfect quartered in a salad. My favorite tomato from last year was the Speckled Roman, which I planted later than the above three, and only grew four plants. It is such a lovely tomato, a cross between Banana Legs and Antique Roman, a bright red with orange and yellow zebra-like stripes. Sadly, most of this variety was affected by blossom end rot. So, the point of all that tomato talk is that this year's crop is going to have much more variety, with only one to two plants each, and no blasé yellow pear tomatoes. I have over two hundred vegetable and herb seed packets, and I am having a very hard time narrowing down what I can (and simply cannot!) include in this year's garden.

Last year was my first vegetable garden on the farm and I got a bit eccentric with my choices, growing quinoa and broom corn, neither of which did anything but look majestic on the stalk. Corn was another frivolous crop of 2016 that, thanks to the drought, produced only Halloween decorations and compost fodder. This year is about growing vegetables and herbs so I buy little to no produce this summer, and have a decent amount to can and freeze for the winter. I also have plans to raise my own annuals for the farm window boxes. I have heliotrope sprouting in the seed room now, and plan on starting alyssum, nasturtium, marigold, and calendula, with a smattering of others for a bright cheery pop against the light yellow of the farmhouse.

This year will also be my first time using heat mats for germination. I have been using them on those native seedlings from my cold stratification post a few weeks back. The seedlings in cells are quite touchy, with only around 50 percent survival. The seedlings in my Gatorade jugs are doing considerably better, and are not on heat mats. I am attributing this to the tendency of the cells to dry out much faster, and the jugs to stay more evenly moist with little watering.

Tomatoes in Jugs

This week I started the above four tomato varieties in jugs, and four pepper varieties in cells, and two varieties of eggplant. Today's seed starting plan is to make a definitive list of what I will be starting and map out my beds to ensure I have the space.


I have a little beekeeping update as well. I brought up my hives a few weeks ago with plans to harvest the honey and clean out the hives to take a year hiatus from beekeeping. But a farmer friend of mine a few towns over has offered to purchase bees if I keep them on his farm to pollinate his crops this year. I'm quite excited about that, as I was sad to skip a year of beekeeping, but I couldn't handle the cost of bees after losing two hives that were only a year old. The old hives will be left with honey intact for the 2017 installation, and it was even recommended not to clean out any of the comb and let the bees housekeep and re-use as much as they could from the previous colonies. My son and I did collect a few jars before we received this recommendation, but the rest is being left for the new residents!


A quick touch on the last B of this blog, I have a special order for a fancy Danish for Easter, and I am looking to try a few traditional Easter baked goods, so check back for pictures of those creations next week!

Danish Almond Ring I made last month

Out of the Cold

Fig tree growth in snowfall

As I sit at the counter to write this post, the thermometer defies my title with a chilling readout of eight degrees Fahrenheit, but my toes are warm in the sunlight streaming through the window, and my french press is soaking a dark, hot brew. So indeed, I am out of the cold, and so are my future seedlings.

This weekend marks sixty days since I placed five packets of seeds encased in damp paper towels into my refrigerator for cold stratification. It's time to take them out of the cold and begin the next phase of growth. Next phase, you ask? They've been encased in plastic in a dark, cold box. What phase of growth was that?  A very important one.

You see, seeds are small fortresses, designed to endure months of cold season tumult to be just poised for growth after enduring all that nature throws their way- from seed drop to spring dew. It's more about things coming off and walls breaking down, but this is an essential part of growth. The seed coat must be softened, as it is designed to be a weather-tight capsule, preserving life until conditions are favorable to release the delicate growth encapsulated within. Isn't  it amazing to think that a seed has all that it needs to survive within and around it? It has a storage of food, it has protection- it has itself- and all that is needed are the conditions.

Planting set up

Without delving too far down the metaphorical rabbit hole, I'm sure we can all point to a time in life when it seemed we were under cold stratification: in the dark, with no movement to the naked eye; yet after this time, growth was exponential and beautiful. But back to the fridge. The cold conditions are over for my little packets of seeds. Time to come in contact with the location of active, upward growth.

The plants I am working with today are Prairie Lily (Lilium philadephicum), Wild Blue Phlox (Phlox divaricata), Button Blazing Star (Liatris aspera), Northern Blazing Star (Liatris scariosa), and Purple Passion Flower (Passiflora incarnata). These species are all perennial natives to my general region of Western New York, and in nature, would all be subject to cold, wet non-growing season conditions.

A Liatris seedling emerging

Opening up the sacks, I can clearly see the parts of the seeds that were dissolved imprinted onto the paper towels, and some little bits remain behind as I carefully remove the seeds for planting.  There are also several moldy seeds; the Liatris spp. seem to be the most affected with mold. I'm planting them all, mold included. Who's to know if the mold has fully affected the seed, and I'd rather give a seed a chance than judge it unfit for growth. We shall see!

I am planting half of the seeds directly back into their bags and placing them on heat mats in my seed room. The other half will go into little "greenhouses" I have made from clear plastic jugs. These are simply Gatorade jugs, cut horizontally three-quarters of the way up, but leaving the lid attached at the back to have a hinging effect. Drainage holes are made in the base, and holes in the top are made for precipitation infiltration. They will be duct taped closed and placed outside in a sunny, sheltered location.

This is an abbreviated version of what is known as winter sowing. Essentially, I could have planted the seeds directly into the jugs in the fall and let the whole process play out in semi-controlled conditions, yet allowing the seed to germinate when the weather permitted. As the temperature grows warmer (much warmer than today), the top half of the jug that is currently taped closed can be propped open with a stick to control heat and moisture. It will be interesting to compare my indoor pampered seeds to the jug greenhouse seeds. Too much warmth and moisture can be just as detrimental as dry freezing conditions!

Jugs and bags ready to grow!

Next phase in spring preparation is preparing my seed inventory. I have hundreds of vegetable, herb, and flower packets scattered in boxes that need to be lined up for their time to germinate. I may start some early vegetable seeds, such as onions this weekend as well. Also, time to order trees! So much growth in so little time.
And remember, some growth occurs in the dark- but now, it's time to sprout in the light!

Bagel Expectations

Onion Bagels

I have had a few weeks of writer's block. Perhaps even goals block. Sometimes the vision gets blurry and hard to articulate. Sometimes spring feels so far away. But dreams like this one don't come easy, and so it naturally follows that the words won't flow all the time. So lets just talk progress.

In the past few weeks, I've done little garden work other than seed sorting, and I just borrowed the equipment to extract the honey from my failed hives- so more to follow on that in a future post. I have spent most of my spare time in the kitchen, covered in flour. I've tried several new recipes, mostly breads, along with three weeks of bagel making. One of the classes from my home school education was running a bakery. It was a class blending baking, accounting, small business management, and several other skills into what most of my education could be summed up as: Preparation for Real Life. My cousin and I were responsible for purchasing and maintaining inventory, advertising, calculating costs and profits as well as perfecting the baked goods sold from our little business. Our best seller was by far the bagels.

I can't remember if we dabbled in toppings or flavors, but this time I wanted to experiment with a few recipes. Adding toppings was fairly easy, but including fruit proved to be a much more complicated process. My son rarely eats any of my baked goods, but he was so excited to try my bagels, and requested his favorite: blueberry bagels. In the past three weeks, I have used three different recipes with slightly different methods.  I have tried the recipe with fresh and frozen blueberries, and while I can say fresh integrate better into the dough- I have finally found a recipe that I despise baking!

Blueberry Bagel blob

Baking has always been a therapy for me; it comes naturally, and even if I am bone tired, rolling out a crust can energize me in ways few other things can. Blueberry bagels, however, suck my baker's soul. The moisture from the berries is so unpredictable, and adding large amounts of flour to compensate weakens the flavor of the dough to a flour paste with burst blueberries smeared through. Have I turned you off enough to my blueberry bagels? Other critics besides my son enjoyed them, but he refused them after one bite.

Blueberry Bagels after baking

My son has very odd taste in food; so when I find a baked good he loves, I'm overjoyed to make it for him. I think that is perhaps the reason this recipe drained my energy. I don't eat a lot of my baked goods. My biggest joy is watching others devour them. I rarely bake items based solely on what I desire; if I did, there would be a lemon meringue pie on my counter every week.  So to see four hours of baking result in rejected bagels was a soul sap for me. There's a pride to creating something others love. But this should not be my only source of pride. There had to be a recipe at some point in my baking endeavors that wouldn't meet expectations- and blueberry bagels was the one. I'm sure it won't be the last, either. It is a dangerous trait to be fueled by pleasing others. Some external motivation isn't a bad thing; in a business, it's necessary! For me, though, as a self-identified trait, I need to watch this external motivation of receiving self affirmation out of pleasing others in my everyday life. So, the blueberry bagels were a flop. It's alright to flop, as long as we take out the bowl tomorrow to try another recipe.

Meme from the internet- my bagels looked like neither depiction!

Rather thank drag this post on with other baking endeavors, since it's been s long since my last post, I will just attach pictures of my recent baking adventures.

Challah Bread

Bagels

Almond pastry

If you ever want a recipe, feel free to message me, as long as it isn't a request for blueberry bagels!

French Bread

Country White Bread

Raspberry Pie

Fungal Speed Progress

I did not intend to do a double post today, but after reading post-publishing my last post (say that 10 times fast) I noticed a recurring theme, and I dare say it appears that I am stuck in a single vein. This blog is my think tank, and I usually run to my computer with flour covered fingers to capture thoughts as they come. I noticed while reading through my posts that most of them touch on either hastily entering or slowing down my pace, leaning more heavily on learning to slow down. It seems somewhat contradictory to me as I feel I have made little progress thus far to have the constant theme of slowing down. These first few months though, are where I establish my pace. Much of this endeavor will be accomplished alone.

While everyone loves to track progress and I feel my posts reflect little of that, until the pace is established, little true progress can be made. Also, elimination of unnecessary endeavors are also progress. While I would hate to call one of my staple "B's" an unnecessary endeavor, I just posted on setting beekeeping aside for the time being.

An important part of this plan is to operate it within my means. Buying more bees to re-start my hives would cost me close to three hundred dollars. After the hundreds of dollars I spent last year to begin beekeeping again here on the farm, that price tag is too high. I haven't given beekeeping up for good, but I am setting it aside for a more opportune time. Perhaps I will encounter a swarm once the weather warms, and for the little effort of setting up a trap, that might be my avenue back into beekeeping. But for now, looking at my time and money budget, chickens are moving to the forefront, and bees are moving to the back burner. I'll still be starting numerous herbs and vegetables from seed to grow and sell, along with a few other small endeavors.

One is learning about growing shiitake mushrooms. I recently signed up for a three session, log growing mushroom class to the tune of forty dollars at my local Cooperative Extension. The first class was a classroom introduction to the overall operation from growing methods to mushroom marketing. The next class is a hands on instruction where we will learn to inoculate logs with shiitake spawn and be given a single inoculated log to take home. I'm excited by this possible endeavor, but I wont be out drilling for a 600 to 800 log operation, as our instructor recommends for viable income.

I'll raise the one log, look into working a log structure into my design layout, and then see about additions in a year's time. It takes a year for the initial flush of mushrooms to appear. Once that first crop comes, you can have two naturally occurring harvests (typically spring and fall) or force the logs for a harvest every six weeks through the summer. This operation requires repeated soaking of four foot, 4-8 inch diameter logs, and handling of these drenched logs for growth. This may be beyond my vertically challenged abilities, but we shall see. That is the stage I am at right now- slow, steady experimentation and re-adjustment of goals until the practices that are right for me come to light. So I might have little to show for progress, but there are multiple areas of growth set in motion, even if they are hard to see. Much like a fungus on a log, I suppose.

Waiting for Ladybugs to Land

These past two weeks have felt like a constant increasing pressure as a result of just a few decisions I  made in pursuit of this new life. Two online college classes, active participation in a seed exchange, saying yes to more chickens....

I consider the move to the farm one of my biggest leaps of faith so far in my life. It may not seem so to the outside observer, but for a single mother to answer an add on Craigslist, visit a farm over 50 miles away, and then decide- This is Home- was huge for me. I had limited support, and some rather hostile opposition, but my heart said yes. It has turned out to be the best decision ever for my son and me.

In the months after moving, the contentment I felt on the farm was rarely matched by any outside activity or destination. I began to dread engagements as painful obligations, and breathe a sigh of relief when I returned home. I realized that a long standing prayer I had sent up had been answered- but I kept straying from the answer. The prayer was a plea for contentment. I prayed that I would learn to be content unto myself, and inside whatever life would throw my way. Through my move I was given a sphere of contentment, yet I remained tied to outside people and events.

When I realized this, I set a goal to learn to say "no" when I felt the pull home was stronger than the pull to be anywhere or do anything else. I had developed the unfortunate habit of deriving my personal contentment by pleasing others. This was not only a false, fleeting, contentment, it also depended solely on others, and as we all know, to some extent- that dependency is wholly unreliable and often falls short of contrived expectations. Not to mention that the weight I put on those outside me for needing me was often much less than I imagined.

And so, to every event I felt I was only attending to satisfy a connection with another and did not return any connective satisfaction to myself, I learned to say no. It was hard the first few times, and also bittersweet to see how easily my "no" was received. But yet also, a relief. My contentment did not depend on others, and others' happiness did not depend on my presence.

Now I come to another form of saying no, that I just came to realize I have need of today. A big part of starting this life is the belief that I am on the right path, and as I become receptive, the steps will appear before me. In the excitement of discovery, I often try to achieve as much as possible towards the progress of this life. Note I do not call this a dream- for it is not; it is a slowly forming life, that sometimes lives only in my head and heart, but is and will continue to develop into my life. But often, dreams get mixed in, and I get carried away from the path. This is not to say I don't dream, but to distinguish what I will and can do from what is not in alignment with my path.

I had been keeping bees for seven years at my old home. It began as a curious hobby, and it was an easy side activity that fit with my gardens there. When I moved to the farm, I gave my hives away. The following spring on the farm, I purchased all new equipment and bees to begin the hobby again. It did not have the same feeling, yet I felt I must continue with the bees. It turned out to be a labor intensive year, with many mishaps and ultimately ended with both of my hives dying this winter.
It was not the time to have bees here on the farm- perhaps it will never be the time again. I had lost my reason for having them, yet I continued to pour time, effort and money into them, yet not my heart. After this realization I decided that I will collect the honey this winter, clean out the hives, and set them aside until such a time that is right to begin with them again.

Here, in essence is the new no I must learn to say. This life will be a slow progression, and many may be on parallel paths ahead of me, yet it is not time for me to take on what they can so easily handle- or how they make it appear easy to my outside eyes. There are so many things I foolishly "want" that ultimately have no true value to me or this life I am journeying to build. More activity does not necessarily equate to more progress.

I very much identify with the main character of Under the Tuscan Sun, who on seeming happenstance, finds her new life by buying and renovating a decrepit villa in Tuscany. Her biggest moments of progress were when she did as things appeared, and enjoyed the love she spontaneously attracted, rather than chased. In one scene, she bemoans losing a lover that, after many failed attempts to connect, had left her for a more accessible woman. Throughout the movie, it shows her in glorious everyday moments with friends and family, and he would whisk through her villa, only to miss her. After a few attempts, he moved on, showing his true worth, in my opinion. She was crushed, however. Feeling she had finally "got it" and to lose it so easily, she cried, when would it be her turn?

Her friend then recounted a story of a little girl, spending all day in a meadow chasing ladybugs, constantly jumping, swinging a net, and failing to catch even one. After exhaustive lack of progress, the girl fell asleep in the meadow, and when she awoke, was covered in ladybugs. Her efforts were fruitless, although in the right place. When she finally became still- in the right place, what she sought came to her without effort.

This week I'm dropping one of my two classes I started. I do not have the time to devote enough focus to both classes, and I am quickly losing ground in both as a result. Permaculture Design stays, as it has proven to be part of the path. Plant Propagation will be dropped. I have the textbook, and like the bees, the tools can be picked up in such a time that I have the hands to hold them. The painful twinge of saying no is soothed by the knowledge that my hands are full with what I have, and when I rest, the ladybugs will land.

Planted Plans

In the past few months, I have had so many different plans and thoughts surrounding this life change. I've envisioned different scenarios: some feel so natural and attainable, others overwhelm me with the amount of work and change they will require. I am taking two college courses this semester that I picked specifically with my life change in mind: Permaculture Design and Plant Propagation. I have a fair handle on the science for both courses, but the subject matter in these courses are both new areas of knowledge. I'm still getting my study rhythms in place with life as it is now, and having taken this past year to slow down, I find life ramping back up again.

This weekend I had planned to bake three different recipes, sort and compile my seed lists, clean my seed sorting table, and finish up any school assignments I had not finished in the week. Oh, and my weekly logging and reviewing of my budget and cash spending from the past pay period. What did I accomplish? One loaf of bread, half the schoolwork, and a giant headache. Momentum will ebb and flow, but this weekend bled me dry. I also found my two beehives dead, lost my lemon tree seedlings, and just had an overall feeling of no forward motion at all.

As I write this, I think- were my aspirations more than my abilities? Surely not, but at times it can feel that way. One small victory- I maintained the first pay period of my rather stringent cash budget with $22.00 "extra" to go into the farm fund. I was so preoccupied with other missed goals I'm only just doing a little dance in my head for that as I type this post.

I am an elaborate planner. I have at least three half filled notebooks all at different stages of development of life plans, dreams, designs, and just general thoughts as to what I hope all this will amount to. I have a hard time with baby steps. I look for leaps and am disappointed in myself when I only maintain ground. But that kind of expectation of oneself is not only impractical, its a sure fire dream killer. The cliche of learning from failure seems so hollow to me- even though I have indeed grown from my biggest missteps in life.

So, incremental progress. Holding ground is still growth. Not giving up is continuing on towards the dream. Lowering expectations for myself is essential to reaching benchmarks. Setting realistic goals.
In that vein, my goals for the next two months:
1. Pass both classes with at least a B.
2. Sort and categorize all my seeds for planting.
3. Stop setting so many goals
One loaf is better than none. And slowing down might just make for a stronger start than rushing towards big dreams. Next post, we will talk about seed list 2017!

To small steps of progress....

Is Your Soil Warm?

This weekend, after I could finally put the busy holiday times behind me, I was itching to see some growing progress, even if it was just sowing some seeds in a bag. And that's just what I did.
I started five different types of native flowers on their cold start towards germination: Lilium philadelphicum, Passiflora incarnata, Phlox divaricata, Liatrus scariosa, and Liatrus aspera. These seeds require sixty days of cold stratification before planting. My goal in all the projects I start is to use what I have on hand unless a product is absolutely necessary. So, foregoing the more popular

starting medium (that I did not have on hand) I placed the seeds between wet, wrung out paper towels, and sealed them in in sandwich bags to be placed in the refrigerator. I've never grown seeds requiring this extra step for germination, so I reached out to a propagation group I joined for advice. Two bad habits that have historically hindered my growth in any endeavor are procrastination due to uncertainty of failure and reluctance to ask for help from those more experienced. Written together like that, they are the most asinine hindrances ever, and acting on the latter can usually clear up the former!
In reaching out to the propagation group, I received some valuable feedback on my chosen method, and a better alternative. Taking action alone, despite the possibility of not successfully germinating my seeds was a good start, but getting input from those more knowledgeable was the real step of progress. It turns out the baggie method I chose will work, but it requires monitoring for seed rot and mold, attention to timing, and replanting of the seedlings once cold stratification is complete. They then shared a much simpler method: winter sowing. At first I thought they meant scattering seed outside, as nature would take care of all the processes, but this is a container method that you can still monitor and easily transport once the seeds germinate.
Using a milk jug or other plastic container that light can penetrate, you cut the jug about half way up, not quite all the way around, to create a hinged top. Make slices in the bottom for drainage, and a few holes on top for precipitation. Then, fill with at least 4 inches of potting soil, sow seeds at required depth, and place in a southerly location. Duct tape the milk jug closed for the cold months. It is important to check to ensure there is a decent greenhouse effect, as well as condensation. As the days get warmer, you can remove the duct tape and prop the lid open, much like a cold frame. The seedlings will emerge when conditions are right, and hardening off can take place right in the container, with the lid removed. I'm planning on taking my refrigerated baggie seeds and converting them to the winter sow this weekend. They'll get the cold treatment, moisture, gradual warmth, and sunshine all without too much worry and interference on my part.

Seeds are amazing little treasure boxes: all the beginnings of a magnificent oak within an acorn, the fragrant, climbing vine in a small dried pod, just waiting to burst forth in growth. Seeds can sit in envelopes for years, as if time is paused, until such a time, and just as importantly, place, that they can grow.

Without getting too philosophical, whenever I need to think about where I am in life, I think in terms of plants. This past year has felt at times like being a seed in one of those envelopes- full of potential, but not quite placed for growth.

Now there's nothing wrong with a seed that's not planted. In fact, if conditions aren't right, it's for the best! No one wants to see a moldy seed in cold, overly soggy soil, or a seed that quickly sprouted and died due to getting wet, with no soil in which to establish itself. I think that is why growing seedlings is my favorite part of all things plant related. Giving that seed just the right conditions for the best start ever, to set the tone for the rest of its lovely green life. In a few weeks this blog will be filled with seedlings of various stages of growth!

But back to this year spent in an envelope. As I think more on it, perhaps this year was more the cold stratification year, breaking the dormancy, waiting for the soil to warm. Isn't that an interesting mechanism in a seed? This need for an extended cold period prevents seeds from prematurely sprouting in fall or early winter. Without this dormancy factor, a few warm days could cause germination. But a few warm days is not enough to provide conditions for sustained growth. The soil needs to warm for the growth to be continuous, and the light hours longer for the plants to bear fruit. But only after the cold, dormant season. Maybe it seems as if the seed is doing nothing, but the season is performing on the seed. The soil warms, the seed coat has been worn or broken, and the growing can now begin.  

Where I find myself today, on the farm, is the ideal location to begin to grow my business. Where I find myself in life, comfortable with the assurance that I myself am enough to begin, grow, and succeed with this plan, truly feels like the warming soil that will spur healthy growth. To put it plainly, I am comfortable enough to grow. The cold period was less than comfortable, but necessary, to wear the hard shell that inhibited my growth. The seed is broken, so the plant may grow.

If this were just a business plan I suppose all this talk would seem a bit much. But this journey is much more than a business, much more than a career change. It is a matter of life establishment. It is setting roots for who I will be for the remainder of my time here on earth. It's not a job to retire on, but a lifestyle that will provide for me and my loved ones, so every evening we can retire, and every day we can take actions that give us life. This life will not be two separate halves- one to make money to survive and the other to capture remaining moments for enjoyment, but the joining of pursuits of love that provide a life right as we are living it. To watch this life grow will truly be the treasure, and I can feel the warmth penetrating to initiate germination.