Seasons of Giving

Can you tell when a person has a need and you have just the gift for them?  As I pen this, your dwelling is quite possibly riddled with the aftermath of what some call the season of giving. A bit of ribbon here, a pile of broken down cardboard there, and perhaps a jumble of gifts headed to any destination other than to be used by you. 

Ah, the gift of giving.  It's a good feeling when we get it right, isn't it?  I have always loved to give to others.  A few years back, when cash flowed in and out of my pockets, I felt the best way to help others was to buy and give them things. I took pride in learning and knowing my friends and family, putting an intricate amount of thought into what I deemed just the right blend of practical and desired, and most certainly unduplicated by other gift givers in their life. I’m sure most of my gifts were thoughtful and appreciated, but as I have changed my lifestyle priorities, I have come to live with much less money, and therefore have little to spend on material gift giving. I had to make a conscious effort to buy less for others, telling myself that loved ones would have to understand and adapt to getting less from me.

My younger self was both a very needy and yet also very people pleasing person.  These two traits actually connected because my need to give tied more to my need to be wanted and seen- and not so much to fulfilling others’ needs with my giving and pleasing. Although there is always the rebounding effect of feeling good for another's happiness, I can honestly say that was not my main motivation for giving back then. A few years back, I came to realize how both unhealthy and unsatisfying it was to be so dependent on others’ approval and happiness, and resolved to change these traits in myself. 

Let me first tell you about a transition which began by being quite selfish- in the true sense of the word- that among other things led to finding a new way of giving. I started by one year setting a resolution to say no- if I did not want to do something and I felt it would do little but drain me, I would decline invitations to friends’ events or any other thing I would normally feel obligated to participate in or attend. I limited my access to friends that had become dependent on my help. My "no" resolve grew into resigning from a career path that had become more an ego-driven scramble for achievement and proving myself instead of truly pursuing my life's work. I changed careers with the goal of achieving passionate purpose rather than prove I could master the ladder rung race as my life's work. I had recognized by then that a typical career would never fully utilize my talents and did more to drain my soul than it ever did fill my bank account. 

But here’s the thing- I’m fairly certain if you ask a few of my friends, they’d say they’ve received more from me in the last two years than they ever did when I was giving out pricey gift boxes. Life has truly demonstrated to me that giving isn’t dependent on what is given, but more on the how and why. The cliché yet relevant phrase “it’s the thought that counts” is truly applicable in every day giving. I have come to believe that when you have less, and are preoccupied with less, you see and feel more, and in turn, that is where the less becomes more. It's not just a lofty line from philosophy but a genuine, every day full feeling I walk around with in my being. In feeling more for myself, I often find I can feel others better as well, and have found a way to still give gifts- these wrapped with nothing other than my arms and heart. What I have left to give is abundant, and I hope with each arm wrapping, to give what is relevant, needed, and fulfilling to loved ones.

I can point to one instance where this awareness paid off in giving what was truly needed. I met someone this summer that I was quite immediately drawn to, and felt a connection that pulled me closer. I sought through our meeting and first interactions to know him better, and as I listened, was drawn in even further. While taking this time to know him, I sensed a need- something I had that he could use. He needed touch. I could feel myself pulled to just press my arm against him as we sat next to one another- and I could feel the grateful reception of my touch. He later told me how special and desired that simple touch connection was, and how grateful he was that I gave it to him so freely.


It is a beautiful feeling to be able to sense energy reception. There are those I recoil from touching, those I approach cautiously yet knowing they need touch- and those I run to for a mutual exchange of loving and fulfilling touch energy. I had nothing material to give him, and honestly, had I been in my old habit of seeking something material to demonstrate my care, it would have, no doubt been received graciously, but have been altogether off the mark and unnecessary. Quite possibly a thing to collect dust and create a sense of obligation to be kept- despite being useless to the owner. That is no gift. 

The more in tune with my own needs and fulfillment I become, the more I sense others needs- and give of my overflowing energy, to fulfill those needs. Many people long for touch, or to be heard and seen with warmth-  a bit of energy to re-start their own love journey, and I get so excited when simple touches, hugs, smiles, or handmade gifts can be the gift that fills those drained moments for others. It's the simplest, yet most heart warming gift- one with two recipients, and what is most beautiful is when one giver becomes two.

My son, probably my best teacher when it comes to giving through touch

Penning Passion

Today's writing began while I shaped a ball of shortbread dough in my hands and let my mind wander over this year's thoughts, experiences, conversations, and faces. For the traditional participant of Christmas, my window holds the perfect scene, branches laden with light bright snow and the air heavy with crystal flakes. My traditions of hiking, baking and writing will be interspersed with the more cultural norms of Christmas gatherings this year, and while still not a completely comfortable place, I find comfort in the faces that compel me to join them.

Between the last paragraph and this, I baked the batch of shortbread cookies and read through last year's Christmas Eve post. It's a beautiful thing to see yourself grow. One of the biggest compliments my ex-husband ever paid me was that despite his never quite understanding why or what I was off to accomplish next, he always saw me grow from each and every path I chose. Last year I was unsure what I would accomplish beyond my Gardening Service, yet I knew I was on the path to find it. Last year I celebrated new friendships that encouraged my courageous path, now, at the end of this year, I have multipled those friendships and found through them just what I can do for others with my writing.

Presently I am writing for two small farms, which I find both rewarding and challenging. I was discussing why this type of writing was challenging me with one of the farmers, who also is a dear friend, and he pointed out that perhaps it was that much of my blog writing is about feeling and emotion, where the content writing would focus more on action and description. While true to a degree, I think it is more about the responsibility I feel for correctly presenting another's passion. For I am not just writing the how and what, but more importantly, why they farm and what drove them to choose farming above all else.

I began a word study on passion this morning: I've often been called a passionate person, and find myself drawn to what I consider like-passioned people. But what is passion? The word passion is derived from the Latin pati which means to undergo or endure, and the Late Latin passionem for endurance and suffering. The word passion was first used as a term to describe the time of Jesus' life from The Last Supper through the crucifixion- often capitalized as 'The Passion.' Early in it's use, it was used as both a verb and noun; today, it is primarily used as a noun with a few different meanings centering around intense emotions, driving external forces, ardent affection and sexual desire, or an object of deep desire or interest.

 Looking over all of these definitions, I find that the closest definition of passion that resonates with me is emotion that spurs action. Passion's original subject was driven by love to an action that led to great suffering and death. One entomology article pointed out how unfortunate that a word that used to encompass so many different feelings now is mostly used for shallow pleasure and most do not understand the rich application of the word passion. Often, great emotions that drive us can lead us on paths of suffering, yet the action continues not for suffering, but despite it for the ardent affection that is passion, be it for a person, a way of life, or a belief.

Life driven by passion is precious, and I revere those who live by their passion. Here is the connection that I seek to make as I write for these farmers: properly depicting their ardent affection for their work- the emotion driven actions that demonstrate a true passion for farming. Here is where the writer and subject share the same drive, to live out what is born inside- living peacefully with nature, providing for family, building a community, and stewardship for the land, despite suffering, for the reward of living each day driven by passionate purpose.