I really should not be left to wander in an uncomfortable place for hours. All it produces is multiple pages of multi-branched, seemingly unrelated notes. A spiderweb of my thoughts. The only common thread being the author at its central joint. As I walk a giant mall in an unfamiliar city, two of my least favorite things, it helps me clearly focus on a jumble of Loves that feel so far from this echo chamber of material and structural mass. At thirty-five, I feel comfortably lost on this journey to create my own life. For being lost means I am not ignorantly on the wrong path and thinking it right. I am mindfully in search of the path I know I have not yet found. That's farther than I can say I was a year ago.
A year ago, I started this blog, dreaming, and knowing I would jump from the path I seemed to be solidly walking. Today I scramble side roads and cliffs of life, aimless wandering to some, yet pointedly searching to me. My job does not define me, my home does not define me, and no, not even does my motherhood define me. Life defines itself as I walk, and defining anything else becomes far less significant the further I grow.
I started this post weeks ago and I'm picking it up on Christmas Eve. A holiday that makes me uncomfortable at best, confused and wanting solitude at worst. You see, I did not grow up celebrating this holiday- and while I respect the traditions and love everyone has for it, and participate to some degree- especially with anything I can decorate or create, I mostly prefer to keep to myself. My celebration of life and loved ones is each day I see them, my frustration and annoyance with them is also an any-day event- not stored up for one expectation-whipped day that leaves more in tears than in the arms of love. But I digress. I always take Christmas Eve and Christmas as a solitary time walk
For me, this year was one of transformation and love. I am in such a different place in every aspect of my life other than home- that's still here on the farm- and goodness am I thankful for that. It is a place of refuge, of comfort, of love. It is a place I can grow my seeds, bake to my heart's content, or spend hours by the fire with one of my dearest friends. The farm makes me more of a homebody with every day that passes. When everything you need is home, why leave?
Well, for work I suppose. There has been the biggest change. Leaving the Army Corps. Starting my gardening service. Sidestepping for the coffee shop, starting a part time job at Lowe's that I told myself would be a brief bridge to get me to a job I really wanted- and finding out the bridge was more the road.
My main focus going forward is to build my business. I have tried several times to downplay it's significance- that it will just be a side thing until I found what I really was meant to do- but people who see my strengths better than I can won't let me do that. They see the potential better than I do, and in the last month, Bonnie's Barefoot Gardening Service has been offered the opportunity to work on a historical landscape restoration for one of the area's historic treasures- Frank Lloyd Wright's Graycliff Estate. I have been asked to help plant and maintain the gardens, orchards and trees in keeping with the original design of the property. This is a huge honor for me, and one I know was spurred by a friendship that grew just this year. Her inspiration helped take my ten year business dream to reality, working in her garden gives me the greatest joy, and having her as a friend, mentor, and fierce lady I aspire to be like is one of this year's greatest treasures. Thank you, dear Sally, for your role in this year's growth and love.
I cannot tell you the total wealth of people I have added to My Loves this year, but I can tell you the returns are ever-abundant and beyond enriching. I cannot tell you what colors my wings will be after all the transformations from this year and beyond. What I can tell you is that this year, for all the by-roads and seeming side journeys, was the straightest path to life I have ever taken, and will continue to take, and I am ever-grateful for those of you that walk beside me on life's way-
